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Hockey Moms: are they an endangered species?
© by Catherine Lawrence
Catherine Lawrence, when she's not in the arena, is President of Humor Resources in her own company,Survival of the Funniest. She has devoted her life to the study of the hockey mom. Her own mother was one, as is Catherine herself, and her observations have led her to the conclusion that hockey moms are becoming an endangered species.
She has applied for a grant to study the captive breeding programs she feels are necessary to preserve the species. The following observations are taken from her field notebook.
Hockey moms arrive at the arena in large trucks or vans. No matter what the driving conditions (freezing rain, hail, snow, wet and slippery roads) these road-warriors brave them all to get their broods to the battleground.
Then they wait.
They wait for the practice or the game to begin. They might watch another game (hockey dads will always do that), but more likely the moms will greet the rest of the flock, slip away with a book or get a head start on their macramé plant holders.
They might also use the opportunity to graze. The diet consists of Rink Food, a separate category in the Canada Food Guide. It includes Spam, beef jerky, cheese glop from a pump bottle, and stale buns. (The cheese itself has numerous applications, and can easily be used for last-minute equipment repairs). The risk of scurvy during the winter months is high, given the absence of fresh food.
Hockey moms always carry hockey tape, Fabreeze, and a bag of Green Giant frozen peas. You never know what can happen in an arena.
Hockey moms flock together, travel in packs, and have been known to bare their teeth at the opposition. They form in an instinctive V-pattern, with the leader alternating from time-to-time (see Canada Goose).
The priority of a hockey mom is her hockey player. How is the player feeling? What's in his/her stomach? Is s/he feeling strong and healthy? Is s/he well fed? During the game she may even consider feeding her charge by dropping food into the penalty box. She weans him or her straight onto Gatorade.
A hockey mom is never far from her noisemakers. These can include homemade horns, kazoos and bean-filled Javex bottles. While the game is on she hears nothing. Siblings of the players are free to run wild. At this time hockey players tend to disown their hockey moms.
Hockey moms adapt to their environment, and often take on an extra layer of blubber during the winter (see also Sperm Whale and Polar Bear). Other physical adaptations of the hockey mom include:
A hockey mom is bigger than her mate, if not in physical size then in persona. Hockey moms spend the winter apart from their mates. Hockey dads are very unpredictable. Often they lurk behind the net or the bench, or sit in another area of the arena.
When the hockey season ends hockey moms shed their winter skins, and the mating season begins again.
Each spring hockey moms nest on cottage docks, or the ledges of tall buildings, because they miss hockey season so much. Of course, summer hockey programs enable them to get their Freon Fix-a habit that is contributing to their endangerment.
Upon observation, a hockey mom displays odd behaviors such as:
When the game is over, it's either a funeral march to the truck to go home, or a self-congratulatory victory celebration. The difference in this body language alone deserves a funded psychological study.
Game over also brings on debriefing. This extended period can last even longer than the game itself, and gives rise to extended post-mortems, and perhaps even post-game autopsies.
Deep down, under all the layers of clothing, lies the dream. Following a successful draft Little Biff comes to the microphone and says, with tears in his voice, "I wanna thank my mom and dad for taking me to all those early morning practices…"
Her company, Survival of the Funniest, is based on the concept that humor is
a critical survival skill for health, work, life, and hockey.
Phone, 416-944-1926; fax, 416-972-9880; email, firstname.lastname@example.org
Phone: (416) 944 - 1926 Fax: (416) 972 - 9880 Email: email@example.com